Ķēdes vēstules

Visāda draza, kas nāk uz manām 3 biežāk izmantotajām e-pasta adresēm, brīžiem var uzkurināt nelielu naidiņu. Ja pie vienveidīgā surogātpasta jeb spama jau ir pierasts un par to gandrīz var aizmirst dēļ masveida kampaņām, kas pret to ir vērstas, tad bez šīs sērgas ir vēl elektroniskās vēstules, kas var iedzīt pamatīgā izmisumā, jo šīs vēstules nav ar komerciālu nolūku nosūtītas, līdz ar to nenes nevienam labumu un tajā pašā laikā tās ir pilnīgi bezjēdzīgas. Vēl jo vairāk kaitinošas, jo tās ir atsūtījis kāds pazīstams, visdrīzāk pazīstama būtne, kuras garīgā attīstība ir stipri apšaubāma pēc šādas sevis un citu pazemošanas.

Jā, runa ir par “chain letters” jeb ķēdes vēstulēm… Ja tev nav ne jausmas, par ko es runāju, tad apskati šo piemēru:

Subject: The ultimate chain letter

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion f–king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send ‘his’ email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big F–K YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain, which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower, and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

F–k them. If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the ‘send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being’ forwards about 90 times. I don’t f–king care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.


**Chain Letter Type 1**
(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!! Wasn’t that fun? 🙂

Hope you made a great wish 🙂 Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

**Chain Letter Type 2**

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!

**Chain Letter Type 3**

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Bizarre Horror Story #1: Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Bizarre Horror Story #2: Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

**Chain Letter Type 4**

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.


A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of a–holes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… * no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.


The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Pamela. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know, otherwise you’ll find all your underwear missing tomorrow morning.

Un vēl viena cietušā stāsts lasāms šeit:

Domāju, ka pēc šī izlasīšanas tu saprati, kas par ļaunumu ir šādas vēstules un tu NEKAD tādas nepārsūtīsi, jo jau tagad tas, pateicoties pilnīgiem idiotiem, ir bīstami izplatījies un, piemēram, šodien šis marasms pārspēja pats sevi – es šāda tipa ziņu saņēmu čata privātajā logā:

Uzmaniibu ja tu ignoreesi tad kads tevi neieredzees tavas sapes milestibu un tev buus 4 000 nelaimes pec 4 dienam tev atzises kads milestibā kurš tevi pa tiešām miil ja tu neaizsutisi tad tu muzigi busi neveiksiminieks un ta aizstuti šito zinju 11 cilvekiem Lai tev veicas

Diezgan nesakarīga, bet tomēr ar to varbūt tikai sākās šīs sērgas izplatība jaunā vidē… Un tas jau vairs nepavisam nav smieklīgi.

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